They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
