I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
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Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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