I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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