My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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