he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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