I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
