I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's shark week go big or go home
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
