You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
