I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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