I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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