Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
