More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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