paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
