I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
