we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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