Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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