Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
