I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
