Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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