why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
