reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
