Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
