dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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