If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
