you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
