My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
