So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Randomize