I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
