Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
