my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
