I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
