Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
