I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
