Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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