you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
