True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
