i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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