Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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