I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
