You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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