Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
