Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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