I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
