pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
