the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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