I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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