I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
worst night to have a conscience
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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