I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You pole danced in your parka.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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