He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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