he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
