Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
