I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
