This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
