I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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