The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
