Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
