I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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