then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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