I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
