A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
being pregnant is like rehab
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
